thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Randomize
