Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
