you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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