Ambien. No doubt about it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
