I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
