I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
