i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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