i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
