i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My first STD was from a foam party
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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