I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
