i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
