Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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