where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
