My hand turned me down
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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