i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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