He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
