four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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