Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize