Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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