just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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