I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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