She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
