I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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