there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
