thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
