it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
