I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
