I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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