I wish I could teleport
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
