Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
