I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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