dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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