It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
