Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
