how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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