nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
