One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
