Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A+ Viking dick
I think I just sharted jello shots
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