I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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