wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
