We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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