all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
