forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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