i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
