Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
