Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
