I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
