you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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