i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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