Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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