I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My Higher Power is John Stamos
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
