dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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