I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
