hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
