I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
