I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
