The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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