did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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